Tragically Romantic...

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Last 2 I found on Tumblr randomly, but love the feel of them. I want an adventure day

This is what 26 looks like.

A few selections from the night I went out to The King Fish bar with my Oakland friends for my birthday.

The beauty of Celebrating Mexico's Independence

Source I suggest clicking on the pictures for the full versoin. So pretty!

I need a date...

Second is done by Richard Phillips, and is featured in one of my favorite shows Gossip Girl (haha) I just adore it. But most of his stuff is really a hit or miss with me.

Oh, it's just the Virgo in me..

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I read somewhere once, that Virgo's are good at just about everything they try, but never great at any one thing. I've always been trying to prove that wrong in my life, but have had a hard time about it.

Last night, after packing up half of my room in Sac into the mini van for my step-dad and brother to take home, I went to McDonalds. Gross? Yes. I saw a man inside, elderly, eating alone... And had a realization about what my one thing I'm great at is.

To preface, I have an overflow of empathy. (the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.) I'm overly emotional when it comes to other people, friends, family, strangers' emotions. I become consumed in the bad or sad to the point that it hurts me deeply. I constantly want to fix things for people... and knowing that I cannot comes the one thing I'm the best at.

Because I get so consumed with emotions of my own, and others.. and my own past, the thing I do best in my life, that I am truly great at. Is dissociating. This realization last night sent me in a downward spiral of thoughts. How that's such a disgusting, terribly, beautiful, peaceful thing to be great at. When I know I can't help or deal with the emotions flooding me, I just want to run away from it all. Instead, I go numb. And for the first time, I felt myself go through all the motions last night, and the numbness come over me. I'm fine right now. But that's part of the problem. Haha. Obviously I'm a handful (or ten) of issues, but it was a good thing to go through last night. I also starting my St. Johns Wort up again last night. haha go me.

More Coveting, or Why am I Such a Nerd..?

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I hate winter. I hate fall. I mostly hate spring. Basically I would be happiest if it was summer all year long. Hot, nasty, sweaty summer. To me, the year isn't 4 seasons long. It's summer, and winter. Anything with cold, rain and wind is winter and there for not a happy time for me.

Also, I believe that you voluntarily get into the pool/shower. Rain is water and wetness forced upon you. So rain, is water rape in my mind. Terrible, fear inducing, frizzy brown girl hair causing, drenched and have to sit at work in your clothes... water rape.

I bought rain boots on Sat. I've been trying for years to find them in my size that aren't boring or purple or some other disgusting style.. Next: Get a rain slicker. Next Next: I want one of those see through plastic umbrellas that look sorta like a pod.. Ya know the kind those Japanese kids have. That go all around your head.

This will be my winter of not getting water raped, and staying warm. So say we all. :)

Badassery

Found at Geekologie

ticking, like a time bomb in my chest, or head..

"The only reason I remembered this play was because it ... had a mad person in it, and everything I had ever read about mad people stuck in my mind, while everything else flew out. " ---Sylvia Plath The Bell Jar



I've been listening to The Bell Jar audio book, again.. and been thinking a lot about my own... self. hah

- When you come to terms with your own madness, it starts to seem like the world is crazy, not you.

- I can't hear/read about people getting Electroshock Therapy with out getting that hard lump feeling in my throat. I see the faces, the empty eyes that will fill with tears days later when talking about it.

- Some of the most truthful, brilliant things I've ever been told or helped come up with, came from people society deemed "unstable" or "crazy".

- I'm glad my first play back after years of non acting, was School of Jesus Fish. And that I could throw ideas on the table, cuz I know what really happens. That play is beauty.

- I've watched Independence Day over 100 times. Not by choice, and all within a two week time span. I used to be able to recite the lines along with it.

- Haha, I can't during one of the School of Jesus Fish talk backs I told the story about the alien guy I met. I left out seeing alien penis, but it still makes me giggle.

- There is nothing, nothing, like seeing the world for the first time and accepting that it's always been there, you just didn't get it. I still have a hard time with space/distances. I see the sky and things in the distance, and have to really force myself to understand that the sky is around us, and that the distance, is outward and not just a backdrop. But nothing will ever be like the first time I saw the world again.

- Even though I'm about to be 26 in 13 days, and have nothing to show for it outwardly.. no degree, an office job that pays by the hour, and have to move back in with my family... I don't think I could/would take back my years of crazy. I think I have a better idea of what humans are, how the brain works, and have a beauty shinning out from my insides that only falling off the edge, and slowly crawling back up, can get you.

- Sorry for all the heart to blog moments here and lately. I've totally just realized I'm 26 and don't have to hide myself any longer. Hell I'm proud. :)

New Crush on an Actor

Felicia "Snoop" Pearson, plays "Snoop" on The Wire. I was interested as soon as the season started with her going to buy this nail gun. Her voice, the way she moves and sounds, all of it, totally got my attention. I find myself turning to my friend after each of her scenes and saying "Duuude, I'm just so into her. I want to know everything about this character and they hardly give us anything!" That's just my obsessive personality I guess. hehe