Oh, it's just the Virgo in me..

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I read somewhere once, that Virgo's are good at just about everything they try, but never great at any one thing. I've always been trying to prove that wrong in my life, but have had a hard time about it.

Last night, after packing up half of my room in Sac into the mini van for my step-dad and brother to take home, I went to McDonalds. Gross? Yes. I saw a man inside, elderly, eating alone... And had a realization about what my one thing I'm great at is.

To preface, I have an overflow of empathy. (the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.) I'm overly emotional when it comes to other people, friends, family, strangers' emotions. I become consumed in the bad or sad to the point that it hurts me deeply. I constantly want to fix things for people... and knowing that I cannot comes the one thing I'm the best at.

Because I get so consumed with emotions of my own, and others.. and my own past, the thing I do best in my life, that I am truly great at. Is dissociating. This realization last night sent me in a downward spiral of thoughts. How that's such a disgusting, terribly, beautiful, peaceful thing to be great at. When I know I can't help or deal with the emotions flooding me, I just want to run away from it all. Instead, I go numb. And for the first time, I felt myself go through all the motions last night, and the numbness come over me. I'm fine right now. But that's part of the problem. Haha. Obviously I'm a handful (or ten) of issues, but it was a good thing to go through last night. I also starting my St. Johns Wort up again last night. haha go me.

Happy 5 years to me and the world..

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i still hear their voices

It was almost 4:30, I needed to shower and get out of my pj's. I turn the water on full blast, a little too warm for most people, and jump in. Having a stand-up shower can be sort of a bad thing in times like these...

Shampoo in the eyes, always, without fail, I don't know how I do it. I shut them and continue to wash, going through the motion as one normally would do. After about 3 min. I open them to find the light flooding my still stinging eyes. Instantly I clamp them shut, trying in vain to stop the pain from getting worse. This time, while my eyes are closed, the images come back.

The flashback filled the room around me, though I couldn't see it with my eyes closed. I really believed I was living in a moment already past. The cold tile floor, that never seems to be clean enough to want to stand on it. The shower not pumping water hard enough, to make you feel like it's really cleaning you. I can hear voices outside the thick door, I smell the mass produced soap, the kind that everyone has to use here. A new bar every shower, so much waste in here. I know the too small, not soft enough towels are waiting for me. One to step on, when exiting the shower, and one to wrap my shrinking frame in.

I linger in the shower longer then I should. Other patients are waiting to use this stall. Most rather use the large shower, but it's too big and open for the likes of me. Or they like the bathtub room. I'm not allowed in there... The staff have the stupid idea, that I'll try to drown myself. I wouldn't do that, not here... So I opt for the small shower room. Just big enough for the standing shower, a plastic chair to hold your clothes, and a trash can, for the shampoo, conditioner, and soap, after each shower. This hospital smells... different. I'll never forget the smell. I still haven't.

The hallway will be cold, even when I've completely dressed. You can never be fully warm, without shoes. It's the middle of Aug. shouldn't it be warm? Going into the hallway means no more privacy. There will probably be 5 or so people pacing up and down it. Even the old man, being pushed in his wheel chair.. up and down, back and forth, by polite nurses, who try in vain to have conversations with him. All he will do is drool, and yell horrible, dirty things, to her, and to the world in general. Or scream for his wife. We never found out if his wife was alive or dead... But he wanted to see her really bad. Leaving this stall means 3 juice boxes, another container of yogurt, and more snacks, waiting for me in the fridge. Neatly labeled with "Jack H." which tells all the other patients to back off. They are trying to fatten me up.

When you arnt allowed to shave, you can never feel like you're getting clean, no matter how hard you scrub. Or how many long showers you take, in between meals and group therapy meetings. You long for the first shower you get, once freed from these walls. But know that when you get into that shower, you'll regret leaving the hospital so fast. Every time... It never changes.

I'm shaking, the hot water seems to run forever. So many people, showering so many times, and yet the water is still filling the room with steam. But your bones never seem to warm up, you shiver through the entire shower, knowing soon that the water will have to be turned off... And the cold will come and envelope your body... A blanket of frost that curls up around you, keeping you company. I stand letting the hot water rush over me, wishing I could stay here forever.

A door slams, I hear wheels rolling down the hall. Lunch trays... Voices get loud, heavy footsteps move down toward the day room. I hear the normal "Where's Jack? She has to eat her lunch." call. I sigh, and push the knob that turns off the shower. Take a few deep breaths, before opening my eyes.

And I'm back in my shower, here at home, in Pleasanton. Water is off, I'm shaking as the cool air moves all around me. It's time to dry off and get dressed. I'm in this world now.

~~~Written by me almost 5 years ago. Right after that last Aug. of hospitals. After 3 years in a row, it seemed like a pattern my body would always go into. Now, 5 years later, with no pills, no shrinks, and many less episodes, I wish I could say that I don't care about these days in Aug. But it's like this internal clock that's always waiting for Aug. to come around.. Where it's harder and harder to control. It's gotten easier. You learn after so many years how to deal. But there are still the things around you that you cannot control as much as you try. I got through most of the days this year fine! I did wake up on day one and couldn't focus my eyes, felt that stirring inside me the heat. It was like an old memory that's just balancing on the tip of your brain.. and you can't tell if it's good or bad but you sorta want to just remember it to know. So much has happened by the end of these days this year, and by the old standards, I should of reacted much worse. But after 5 years strong, I'm happy to have made it.

Here's to 6 years!

Rant

Okay so I will admit, I thought Tila Tequilla was hot when I first saw everyone on Facethejury.com faking as her... and yes, I have a few of her "songs" on my ipod, cuz they are ridic and funny, and yes I watched her stupid MTV shows (reality tv when bored... don't judge) But I never claimed to be a fan.. or to really enjoy her... I felt bad for her on her show, just cause it all seemed so fake, she seemed fake, and i just wanted to shake her and say "be yourself, you can find someone to love you for you! stop this act and cover your nips!"

Of course since then she's become a crazy person on the Internet and tweeting all sorts of junk and just a HOT MESS... she's pulled some crazy shit and usually i just say "meh" and move on.. but her latest shenanigan really gets my goat.. and i'm pretty freaking upset with her utter lack of common sense..

She has been claiming lately to have a "2nd personality" named Jane.. and that Jane is trying to kill her.. that she fell asleep and woke up with cuts all over her body, and blood everywhere... she then TWEETS about it and posts pictures and videos.. never once calling the cops. She gets upset when her fans question her, and even more upset when some of them actually called the cops to go to her house.. where they found no cuts on her, and what looks like fake blood. They left her with a warning, and she goes right back to Tweeting about the whole situation.

okay.. whoah whoah whoah.. this isn't just crazy antics anymore.. this is her actually offending me. and I believe she will be/should be 51/50'd as soon as possible..

If she's faking... and doing all of this for attention, well that's 1 really rude and sorta sad.. But there is still something going on in her head that thinks that pulling a stunt like this... is OKAY to do for attention.. when it's not. at all. ever.

if she is actually dealing with mental stuff, and has an alter, especially one who is dangerous to her.. well then... YOU NEED HELP. Hell it could really be true that she does. But even if i try to believe her, then she obviously knows that something is wrong, and needs to get help asap. for her own safety and others. And I'm pretty sure miss TV reality star will be able to get into a good 51/50 hospital and not some of the places I've seen.

I am having the feelings I did for Britney Spears when she had her break down and shaved her head... I wanted to write her to say "Hey, it's okay.. I know it's hard, but everyone breaks down, emotionally... mentally... some more extreme then others.. and it will be okay, you just have to keep going.. one day at a time...." But with this Tila stuff.. it's so hard to know if she's just faking the whole thing, and if she is... i feel she still needs to get help for being able to think that it's a normal thing to fake something like that..

this is a stupid pointless rant.. but to me.. it hits very close to home.

School of Jesus Fish (Rivived)

“School of Jesus Fish” will play on June 12th, 13th and 19th, 20th, and 21st. Tickets are $12 for students and seniors, $15 for general public. Ticket information will be available at the “City Hall at the Mall” in Fairfield and at www.darkroomproductions.org.

Fairfield, CA (May 31, 2009) — Darkroom Productions’ original staging of “School of Jesus Fish” was presented last fall at Vallejo’s Fetterly Playhouse for the Arts and was considered a huge artistic success. After receiving a grant from the City of Fairfield’s Cultural Arts Awards Committee, Darkroom Productions is elated to bring this production to the Fairfield community.



“School of Jesus Fish,” by Rick Robinson, is a play in two acts that takes place at St. Lucy’s, a psychiatric ward for the mentally disturbed. Robinson delves deep into the lives of the hospitals patients with intense realism, and questions faith-based healing methods versus modern medicine. Anne Fencik, played by Jacqueline Haines, is admitted to St. Lucy’s as she adamantly believes herself to be a messenger of God. Schizophrenia is the immediate diagnosis, but is it true? When she is confronted by patients dealing with issues such as manic-depression and post traumatic stress disorder, she “heals” them. Patients soon agree that she is truly a prophet of god, but the clinicians deny it and stand by their prescriptions. In this face off between faith and pharmaceuticals, we explore the deepest darkest secrets of the tormented people in the mental health systems, who win over our hearts with their honesty and sincerity. Other actors include Matt Larson (Ben), James Olea (Dr. Simon), Angelique Wilkie (Fish), and Stephanie Rivas (Franny).

Note: Parental discretion is advised due to coarse language and adult themes.

***Sorry for the lack of real posts, I was swamped today at work, and am now getting some more time.. But yay for my play reopening!***

Fears, it's the little things...

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What My Insides Look Like...

Source Man I am terrified of clowns, but I love the look of this... It's creepy.




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The United States of Tara. My new favorite Show.

Holy Crap, have you seen this show yet? Have you heard of it? Well why not?!? Haha. Okay seriously, if you give any new show a chance, I suggest you do so with this one. The United States of Tara, staring Toni Collette. You know her, the mom from Six Sense, she was also in one of my favorite movies Velvet Goldmine. She is amazing. This show really shows her range and as this show is about something very close to me, D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

Tara is a house wife, with a loving husband, a rebellious teenage daughter (only 15, but good god), a sweet but misunderstood son, and a crappy job. As every single one of you know, life is effing hard sometime. How does Tara deal? Well, she dissociates, her alters being Alice, a perfect model wife, who wants respect and to be in charge of everything, Buck, a biker dude, who smokes and gets into fights, but would do anything for those he cares about, and T, a 15 year old trying to live in a 30 somethings body... She smokes pot, shops a lot, and dresses like a slut.

Every single alter she plays is their own person, and she does this amazingly well. When you see the stress building up in her, and she dissociates, those of us that know what that's like, or have seen it happen to someone, could stand up and scream "YES! That's how I feel!" It's beautiful.

The show is getting some negative slack too. People don't think a show about D.I.D. could be interesting (how could it not!?) or that as it's got a comedy streak in it, that it's downplaying D.I.D. which happens after childhood abuse. (sexual, physical, mental, emotional) I do not find any of their points really valid after watching the shows first two episodes. I think the family dynamic of living with a mom that is not always 'mom', is terrific. Not everyone with D.I.D. is on medication, and not everyone believes in integration, hell I don't. Yes it can be funny, but life in general is funny at times, even with a disorder.

It's really worth checking out. It gets my heart racing, my mind spinning, and I want to share it with everyone. I hope it keeps going for a while, because I am hooked.

It's on Showtime, and they allow you to watch episodes there (at least the first one). Here is the IMDB page for it.