It's my own personal support team. For better or for worse...

Source a doodle I did years ago.

Source

Source trailer for Being John Malcovich. I love that movie, and it's on my Need To Own list... Ever since seeing it as a teen, I've been obsessed with how *I* believe the movie deals with Dissociative Identity Disorder, with out ever saying it does.

I could write/talk for hours about this topic, and probably just confuse people... but it's so about D.I.D. The scenes were you are looking through John's eyes, but can see the blackness around the eye openings.. haha I didn't realize that not everyone sees the world like that.

There probably will be plenty of posts about these types of topics, as I get closer and closer to my 5 year anniversary in Aug. Sure each year off meds is better and better, though harder, but in a good way. I'm constantly learning what I need to to live, and it's a fantastic journey. But for some reason 5 seems like a solid number. 5 years after 3 years of out of control. 8 years ago I was someone I hardly can recognize now.. But thats always an issue.

I'm rambling. Meh. I just wanna watch BJM again. :)

Summer Goal

Happy Summer!

Last summer I bought a new journal to sketch in and as always, i loose inspiration and get sucked into just writing in it... which in turn, makes it too personal... especially since I wrote entry after entry about my last break up and how much that tore me up... and the resulting great friendship that came out of it...

SO, I'm looking for a smaller notebook to carry with me (and a pencil, eraser and pen) everywhere I go this summer. My phone takes great pictures... and as I'm a visual person, I can take pictures with it of things, to put into the sketchbook. I love my old journals that were image entries of my life... and how I was feeling/what I was doing... So I'm going to start again. Probably will still write in the old one... but this is my first summer after so many life changes... Single, living in Sac, mentally doing well for a while. (This will be my 5th year off meds, and I firmly believe my 5th year free of my Aug breakdown. I want to capture the world in illustrations. The world I see.

then hopefully i can scan and post some of the entries here..

in other news, it's fraking cold in my office and my head is all foggy.. meh!

Cuz if you read it, it's true... right?

I obsess over books, stories... the idea of something solid... What does that even mean.. Solid. I'm on this never ending journey to find something solid, in a world full of liquid moments, and electrical shocks. Sudoku.. that's a solid. Judge all you want, but I pour myself into those silly number puzzles, cuz it's real. There is a certain way it must be finished, and nothing else will get you across the goal line. So I find a book that will suck me in... Where I can just zone out this world and enter another. Probably the best thing I know how to do. All of me. Ha. Me.

I love the way words look.. (sound is another story) I have The First Five by Henry Rollins with SO many page marks, of passages and lines, and quotes that I just NEED to make some art to. If not having the words on the painting.. but just being inspired by them...

The above pictures are collected from all over, fuck sources right now. I don't care.. but each has a different font, emotion, story to it... There is a connection to each one from all of me.

It's been about a month since the last time I really painted anything... and there is that feeling that I'm used to, from inside out. It's crawling up and out and I really need to get to work on something. I would really go back to being crazy with out art. heh. Best medication on the planet for someone like me. Or just me. Ha. Me.