Bitchin good time. As always

I'm still so tired from this weekend. And as much as Friday night seemed long and boring and lonely, Saturday night made up for it, and Sunday was relaxing and much needed.

Saying "Fuck it" and partying like a 22 year old ever so often feels great. Though, I did wake up Sunday with all these little cuts on my hands, and this one biiiig scratch down my side. I have no idea..

I'm still sleepy. So look at these things. heh

News Flash: Hottest Thing Ever, Making Out..

There is something so hot about making out. That's all I really want. hah. Enjoy the last picture, as it's screen caps from an episode of Gossip Girl. Yeah insert your rolling eyes. That scene is hot. And inspired me to wear red tights and shorts.

This is what 26 looks like.

A few selections from the night I went out to The King Fish bar with my Oakland friends for my birthday.

Oh, it's just the Virgo in me..

Source

Source

I read somewhere once, that Virgo's are good at just about everything they try, but never great at any one thing. I've always been trying to prove that wrong in my life, but have had a hard time about it.

Last night, after packing up half of my room in Sac into the mini van for my step-dad and brother to take home, I went to McDonalds. Gross? Yes. I saw a man inside, elderly, eating alone... And had a realization about what my one thing I'm great at is.

To preface, I have an overflow of empathy. (the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.) I'm overly emotional when it comes to other people, friends, family, strangers' emotions. I become consumed in the bad or sad to the point that it hurts me deeply. I constantly want to fix things for people... and knowing that I cannot comes the one thing I'm the best at.

Because I get so consumed with emotions of my own, and others.. and my own past, the thing I do best in my life, that I am truly great at. Is dissociating. This realization last night sent me in a downward spiral of thoughts. How that's such a disgusting, terribly, beautiful, peaceful thing to be great at. When I know I can't help or deal with the emotions flooding me, I just want to run away from it all. Instead, I go numb. And for the first time, I felt myself go through all the motions last night, and the numbness come over me. I'm fine right now. But that's part of the problem. Haha. Obviously I'm a handful (or ten) of issues, but it was a good thing to go through last night. I also starting my St. Johns Wort up again last night. haha go me.

ticking, like a time bomb in my chest, or head..

"The only reason I remembered this play was because it ... had a mad person in it, and everything I had ever read about mad people stuck in my mind, while everything else flew out. " ---Sylvia Plath The Bell Jar



I've been listening to The Bell Jar audio book, again.. and been thinking a lot about my own... self. hah

- When you come to terms with your own madness, it starts to seem like the world is crazy, not you.

- I can't hear/read about people getting Electroshock Therapy with out getting that hard lump feeling in my throat. I see the faces, the empty eyes that will fill with tears days later when talking about it.

- Some of the most truthful, brilliant things I've ever been told or helped come up with, came from people society deemed "unstable" or "crazy".

- I'm glad my first play back after years of non acting, was School of Jesus Fish. And that I could throw ideas on the table, cuz I know what really happens. That play is beauty.

- I've watched Independence Day over 100 times. Not by choice, and all within a two week time span. I used to be able to recite the lines along with it.

- Haha, I can't during one of the School of Jesus Fish talk backs I told the story about the alien guy I met. I left out seeing alien penis, but it still makes me giggle.

- There is nothing, nothing, like seeing the world for the first time and accepting that it's always been there, you just didn't get it. I still have a hard time with space/distances. I see the sky and things in the distance, and have to really force myself to understand that the sky is around us, and that the distance, is outward and not just a backdrop. But nothing will ever be like the first time I saw the world again.

- Even though I'm about to be 26 in 13 days, and have nothing to show for it outwardly.. no degree, an office job that pays by the hour, and have to move back in with my family... I don't think I could/would take back my years of crazy. I think I have a better idea of what humans are, how the brain works, and have a beauty shinning out from my insides that only falling off the edge, and slowly crawling back up, can get you.

- Sorry for all the heart to blog moments here and lately. I've totally just realized I'm 26 and don't have to hide myself any longer. Hell I'm proud. :)

Girl Moment

I've been single for 8 and a half months now. Fuck. Wow. That's the longest since I've started seriously dating people. What can I say, I'm a serial monogamous, a relationship hopper. It's a good thing I've been single. I've learned a lot about myself, grew more, had a good time. But there is still this part of me that feels empty with out having someone to love. I have so much love to give. This is all rather silly, but I'm addicted to kisses. Sure I love cuddling, and everything else, but kisses are my thing.

Of course I've been re watching the first two seasons of Gossip Girl, and the whole Blair/Chuck story line is my relationship with someone. As much as we care about each other and could work, it just wouldn't, and doesn't. These past months I've been learning that more and more so it's nice to just have the friendship we have, and see how it works out on a tv show.

Meh. This is my "I'm a girl, and I miss having someone pay attention to me" post. Sure people pay attention but it's not the same as what I am craving. Casually seeing someone is nice, I had never done that before. But knowing that someone likes you, but not to the point of wanting to be just with you, sorta weirds me out at times. Granted, sometimes you date people that still see other people while seeing you. arg. Anywho lame girl post end.

Been Sick... Story of my life..

Arg I hate being sick. More then anything. And as messed up as it may sound, I can make myself feel better quite easily, but that's going against so much that I stand for now. (crazy talk. Hey it's my blog, and you'd eventually learn/hear rumors sometime) So I just fight it off.

I still need to figure out my soon to be living situation. My back up plan might become my actual plan. But living in Vacaville could be awesome... I can save some money, less of a commute, cheaper rent, OOOOh I could act! and have more time to paint. Maybe find someone to have creative time with, see my friends more. Be closer to my Pleasanton and Oakland friends. Okay.. This will be okay.

I had so much work to catch up on this morning, since I missed the last two days of work.. But, it's almost done now, after an hour and a half of being here. So back to my normal routine of reading blogs, answering phones, sending faxes, wikipedia-ing and googling anything interesting... BTW girl moment blog coming next. hah.

You know what.. fuck you...

I'm not good with anger, never have been. I always had the feeling that I wasn't allowed to be angry, and it's stuck with me over the years. And after everything, and 5 years of doing well I still don't know how to take it. I'm not really an angry person, when on some accounts it's justified for me to be mad.

Usually I just bottle it up. But it erupts on the inside, and causes more bad than good in the long run. But I'm learning to let it out, a little at a time. To people I trust. Right now this situation as came to a point, where I either bottle it up, or respond with everything brewing inside me for the last... oh my whole life.

I may be the Queen of passive aggressiveness.. But never to the point of actually hurting someones feelings like this. It's not in my nature. And I could of sent that message to you every day for every year I was alive. :/

Happy 5 years to me and the world..

Source for picture



















i still hear their voices

It was almost 4:30, I needed to shower and get out of my pj's. I turn the water on full blast, a little too warm for most people, and jump in. Having a stand-up shower can be sort of a bad thing in times like these...

Shampoo in the eyes, always, without fail, I don't know how I do it. I shut them and continue to wash, going through the motion as one normally would do. After about 3 min. I open them to find the light flooding my still stinging eyes. Instantly I clamp them shut, trying in vain to stop the pain from getting worse. This time, while my eyes are closed, the images come back.

The flashback filled the room around me, though I couldn't see it with my eyes closed. I really believed I was living in a moment already past. The cold tile floor, that never seems to be clean enough to want to stand on it. The shower not pumping water hard enough, to make you feel like it's really cleaning you. I can hear voices outside the thick door, I smell the mass produced soap, the kind that everyone has to use here. A new bar every shower, so much waste in here. I know the too small, not soft enough towels are waiting for me. One to step on, when exiting the shower, and one to wrap my shrinking frame in.

I linger in the shower longer then I should. Other patients are waiting to use this stall. Most rather use the large shower, but it's too big and open for the likes of me. Or they like the bathtub room. I'm not allowed in there... The staff have the stupid idea, that I'll try to drown myself. I wouldn't do that, not here... So I opt for the small shower room. Just big enough for the standing shower, a plastic chair to hold your clothes, and a trash can, for the shampoo, conditioner, and soap, after each shower. This hospital smells... different. I'll never forget the smell. I still haven't.

The hallway will be cold, even when I've completely dressed. You can never be fully warm, without shoes. It's the middle of Aug. shouldn't it be warm? Going into the hallway means no more privacy. There will probably be 5 or so people pacing up and down it. Even the old man, being pushed in his wheel chair.. up and down, back and forth, by polite nurses, who try in vain to have conversations with him. All he will do is drool, and yell horrible, dirty things, to her, and to the world in general. Or scream for his wife. We never found out if his wife was alive or dead... But he wanted to see her really bad. Leaving this stall means 3 juice boxes, another container of yogurt, and more snacks, waiting for me in the fridge. Neatly labeled with "Jack H." which tells all the other patients to back off. They are trying to fatten me up.

When you arnt allowed to shave, you can never feel like you're getting clean, no matter how hard you scrub. Or how many long showers you take, in between meals and group therapy meetings. You long for the first shower you get, once freed from these walls. But know that when you get into that shower, you'll regret leaving the hospital so fast. Every time... It never changes.

I'm shaking, the hot water seems to run forever. So many people, showering so many times, and yet the water is still filling the room with steam. But your bones never seem to warm up, you shiver through the entire shower, knowing soon that the water will have to be turned off... And the cold will come and envelope your body... A blanket of frost that curls up around you, keeping you company. I stand letting the hot water rush over me, wishing I could stay here forever.

A door slams, I hear wheels rolling down the hall. Lunch trays... Voices get loud, heavy footsteps move down toward the day room. I hear the normal "Where's Jack? She has to eat her lunch." call. I sigh, and push the knob that turns off the shower. Take a few deep breaths, before opening my eyes.

And I'm back in my shower, here at home, in Pleasanton. Water is off, I'm shaking as the cool air moves all around me. It's time to dry off and get dressed. I'm in this world now.

~~~Written by me almost 5 years ago. Right after that last Aug. of hospitals. After 3 years in a row, it seemed like a pattern my body would always go into. Now, 5 years later, with no pills, no shrinks, and many less episodes, I wish I could say that I don't care about these days in Aug. But it's like this internal clock that's always waiting for Aug. to come around.. Where it's harder and harder to control. It's gotten easier. You learn after so many years how to deal. But there are still the things around you that you cannot control as much as you try. I got through most of the days this year fine! I did wake up on day one and couldn't focus my eyes, felt that stirring inside me the heat. It was like an old memory that's just balancing on the tip of your brain.. and you can't tell if it's good or bad but you sorta want to just remember it to know. So much has happened by the end of these days this year, and by the old standards, I should of reacted much worse. But after 5 years strong, I'm happy to have made it.

Here's to 6 years!

Always moving...

Okay! I knew that I needed to find a place to live by Jan as our home is breaking up.. but now we may need someone to move in with us for the last 3 months of the year, as our other roommate MAY have found her dream home. So proud of her, but us other two need someone to move into that room.

So today I'm trying to figure out a solution for our Sac home, if she ends up getting the place.. AND what I'm going to do in Jan. Anyone know of any good cheap places that don't need a credit card to rent? I've never been on a lease before ever. Or if anyone knows someone who wants a roommate starting Jan ish? Good thing I have plenty of caffeine to get me through this morning!

Just another Wed.

Uuugh it's windy out, and I didn't bring a sweater. It's only 10am, and I already want to go home. I could just leave, as my boss is gone, and the female PT sees how bored I am and told me I could go out and do stuff.. But I have to be here at 3 for sure, and I have to pick up my car pool buddy at 5. Maybe I'll leave for lunch early. Go to the Post Office, maybe hit up Longs/CVS and get a few things I need. Meh

For now, I'll sit in my office, with the heater all the way up.. and try not to fall asleep on my keyboard. Maybe watch something online... or read. All I really want it a juice box, a snack, and nap time.

A few pictures to show how awesome we are...

My life...

I got this awesome new app for my phone's camera called Retro Camera. Yeah, how hip of me. I lets me take pictures with 4 different cameras (My favorite being the pin hole one)

So this is my life

1. Marco's apartment

2. Smoke break

3. Soda at work, which I'm cutting down on.

4. Side of my work

5. Out front of my work.

6. Me at work

7. Porch in Sacramento

8. Marco cooking Indian food

9. My boots on Tuesday

Cuz I love looking back and seeing how badass it was...

3 of my new favorite pics of myself from Julius Caesar.

First one, I'm back as Zombie Caesar, taking over Strato's body, to kill Brutus.

Second one, during in my very very brutal death scene,

Third one, another where I'm taking over Strato, but I'm listening to Brutus talk and just wanna stab him hah.

These were from preview night I think.. as my shirt isn't that bloody, or my face/neck. By closing I was soaked all over. Oh man do I miss this show... Bloody good fun!

It's my own personal support team. For better or for worse...

Source a doodle I did years ago.

Source

Source trailer for Being John Malcovich. I love that movie, and it's on my Need To Own list... Ever since seeing it as a teen, I've been obsessed with how *I* believe the movie deals with Dissociative Identity Disorder, with out ever saying it does.

I could write/talk for hours about this topic, and probably just confuse people... but it's so about D.I.D. The scenes were you are looking through John's eyes, but can see the blackness around the eye openings.. haha I didn't realize that not everyone sees the world like that.

There probably will be plenty of posts about these types of topics, as I get closer and closer to my 5 year anniversary in Aug. Sure each year off meds is better and better, though harder, but in a good way. I'm constantly learning what I need to to live, and it's a fantastic journey. But for some reason 5 seems like a solid number. 5 years after 3 years of out of control. 8 years ago I was someone I hardly can recognize now.. But thats always an issue.

I'm rambling. Meh. I just wanna watch BJM again. :)

Promise promise!

Joel: [in the house on the beach] I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...



Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be.

Source
Source unknown. looks like a Post Secret
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind video ft Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
Quotes from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I love/hate when a movie makes me feel such an overflow of emotions. Eternal Sunshine does that to me. The whole damn thing, everything about it. I find myself quoting Joel's line about dying right there, in my head. And just putting this post together, especially the finding the video and the quotes, had me bawling my eyes out behind my desk. I have 5 min to clean myself up ... haha.

Hey, previous blog... lookie what *I* got!

Mwa ha ha Summer has officially started for miss Jack Jack

Summer Goal

Happy Summer!

Last summer I bought a new journal to sketch in and as always, i loose inspiration and get sucked into just writing in it... which in turn, makes it too personal... especially since I wrote entry after entry about my last break up and how much that tore me up... and the resulting great friendship that came out of it...

SO, I'm looking for a smaller notebook to carry with me (and a pencil, eraser and pen) everywhere I go this summer. My phone takes great pictures... and as I'm a visual person, I can take pictures with it of things, to put into the sketchbook. I love my old journals that were image entries of my life... and how I was feeling/what I was doing... So I'm going to start again. Probably will still write in the old one... but this is my first summer after so many life changes... Single, living in Sac, mentally doing well for a while. (This will be my 5th year off meds, and I firmly believe my 5th year free of my Aug breakdown. I want to capture the world in illustrations. The world I see.

then hopefully i can scan and post some of the entries here..

in other news, it's fraking cold in my office and my head is all foggy.. meh!

Rant

Okay so I will admit, I thought Tila Tequilla was hot when I first saw everyone on Facethejury.com faking as her... and yes, I have a few of her "songs" on my ipod, cuz they are ridic and funny, and yes I watched her stupid MTV shows (reality tv when bored... don't judge) But I never claimed to be a fan.. or to really enjoy her... I felt bad for her on her show, just cause it all seemed so fake, she seemed fake, and i just wanted to shake her and say "be yourself, you can find someone to love you for you! stop this act and cover your nips!"

Of course since then she's become a crazy person on the Internet and tweeting all sorts of junk and just a HOT MESS... she's pulled some crazy shit and usually i just say "meh" and move on.. but her latest shenanigan really gets my goat.. and i'm pretty freaking upset with her utter lack of common sense..

She has been claiming lately to have a "2nd personality" named Jane.. and that Jane is trying to kill her.. that she fell asleep and woke up with cuts all over her body, and blood everywhere... she then TWEETS about it and posts pictures and videos.. never once calling the cops. She gets upset when her fans question her, and even more upset when some of them actually called the cops to go to her house.. where they found no cuts on her, and what looks like fake blood. They left her with a warning, and she goes right back to Tweeting about the whole situation.

okay.. whoah whoah whoah.. this isn't just crazy antics anymore.. this is her actually offending me. and I believe she will be/should be 51/50'd as soon as possible..

If she's faking... and doing all of this for attention, well that's 1 really rude and sorta sad.. But there is still something going on in her head that thinks that pulling a stunt like this... is OKAY to do for attention.. when it's not. at all. ever.

if she is actually dealing with mental stuff, and has an alter, especially one who is dangerous to her.. well then... YOU NEED HELP. Hell it could really be true that she does. But even if i try to believe her, then she obviously knows that something is wrong, and needs to get help asap. for her own safety and others. And I'm pretty sure miss TV reality star will be able to get into a good 51/50 hospital and not some of the places I've seen.

I am having the feelings I did for Britney Spears when she had her break down and shaved her head... I wanted to write her to say "Hey, it's okay.. I know it's hard, but everyone breaks down, emotionally... mentally... some more extreme then others.. and it will be okay, you just have to keep going.. one day at a time...." But with this Tila stuff.. it's so hard to know if she's just faking the whole thing, and if she is... i feel she still needs to get help for being able to think that it's a normal thing to fake something like that..

this is a stupid pointless rant.. but to me.. it hits very close to home.

Cuz if you read it, it's true... right?

I obsess over books, stories... the idea of something solid... What does that even mean.. Solid. I'm on this never ending journey to find something solid, in a world full of liquid moments, and electrical shocks. Sudoku.. that's a solid. Judge all you want, but I pour myself into those silly number puzzles, cuz it's real. There is a certain way it must be finished, and nothing else will get you across the goal line. So I find a book that will suck me in... Where I can just zone out this world and enter another. Probably the best thing I know how to do. All of me. Ha. Me.

I love the way words look.. (sound is another story) I have The First Five by Henry Rollins with SO many page marks, of passages and lines, and quotes that I just NEED to make some art to. If not having the words on the painting.. but just being inspired by them...

The above pictures are collected from all over, fuck sources right now. I don't care.. but each has a different font, emotion, story to it... There is a connection to each one from all of me.

It's been about a month since the last time I really painted anything... and there is that feeling that I'm used to, from inside out. It's crawling up and out and I really need to get to work on something. I would really go back to being crazy with out art. heh. Best medication on the planet for someone like me. Or just me. Ha. Me.