Oh, it's just the Virgo in me..

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I read somewhere once, that Virgo's are good at just about everything they try, but never great at any one thing. I've always been trying to prove that wrong in my life, but have had a hard time about it.

Last night, after packing up half of my room in Sac into the mini van for my step-dad and brother to take home, I went to McDonalds. Gross? Yes. I saw a man inside, elderly, eating alone... And had a realization about what my one thing I'm great at is.

To preface, I have an overflow of empathy. (the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.) I'm overly emotional when it comes to other people, friends, family, strangers' emotions. I become consumed in the bad or sad to the point that it hurts me deeply. I constantly want to fix things for people... and knowing that I cannot comes the one thing I'm the best at.

Because I get so consumed with emotions of my own, and others.. and my own past, the thing I do best in my life, that I am truly great at. Is dissociating. This realization last night sent me in a downward spiral of thoughts. How that's such a disgusting, terribly, beautiful, peaceful thing to be great at. When I know I can't help or deal with the emotions flooding me, I just want to run away from it all. Instead, I go numb. And for the first time, I felt myself go through all the motions last night, and the numbness come over me. I'm fine right now. But that's part of the problem. Haha. Obviously I'm a handful (or ten) of issues, but it was a good thing to go through last night. I also starting my St. Johns Wort up again last night. haha go me.

ticking, like a time bomb in my chest, or head..

"The only reason I remembered this play was because it ... had a mad person in it, and everything I had ever read about mad people stuck in my mind, while everything else flew out. " ---Sylvia Plath The Bell Jar



I've been listening to The Bell Jar audio book, again.. and been thinking a lot about my own... self. hah

- When you come to terms with your own madness, it starts to seem like the world is crazy, not you.

- I can't hear/read about people getting Electroshock Therapy with out getting that hard lump feeling in my throat. I see the faces, the empty eyes that will fill with tears days later when talking about it.

- Some of the most truthful, brilliant things I've ever been told or helped come up with, came from people society deemed "unstable" or "crazy".

- I'm glad my first play back after years of non acting, was School of Jesus Fish. And that I could throw ideas on the table, cuz I know what really happens. That play is beauty.

- I've watched Independence Day over 100 times. Not by choice, and all within a two week time span. I used to be able to recite the lines along with it.

- Haha, I can't during one of the School of Jesus Fish talk backs I told the story about the alien guy I met. I left out seeing alien penis, but it still makes me giggle.

- There is nothing, nothing, like seeing the world for the first time and accepting that it's always been there, you just didn't get it. I still have a hard time with space/distances. I see the sky and things in the distance, and have to really force myself to understand that the sky is around us, and that the distance, is outward and not just a backdrop. But nothing will ever be like the first time I saw the world again.

- Even though I'm about to be 26 in 13 days, and have nothing to show for it outwardly.. no degree, an office job that pays by the hour, and have to move back in with my family... I don't think I could/would take back my years of crazy. I think I have a better idea of what humans are, how the brain works, and have a beauty shinning out from my insides that only falling off the edge, and slowly crawling back up, can get you.

- Sorry for all the heart to blog moments here and lately. I've totally just realized I'm 26 and don't have to hide myself any longer. Hell I'm proud. :)

Happy 5 years to me and the world..

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i still hear their voices

It was almost 4:30, I needed to shower and get out of my pj's. I turn the water on full blast, a little too warm for most people, and jump in. Having a stand-up shower can be sort of a bad thing in times like these...

Shampoo in the eyes, always, without fail, I don't know how I do it. I shut them and continue to wash, going through the motion as one normally would do. After about 3 min. I open them to find the light flooding my still stinging eyes. Instantly I clamp them shut, trying in vain to stop the pain from getting worse. This time, while my eyes are closed, the images come back.

The flashback filled the room around me, though I couldn't see it with my eyes closed. I really believed I was living in a moment already past. The cold tile floor, that never seems to be clean enough to want to stand on it. The shower not pumping water hard enough, to make you feel like it's really cleaning you. I can hear voices outside the thick door, I smell the mass produced soap, the kind that everyone has to use here. A new bar every shower, so much waste in here. I know the too small, not soft enough towels are waiting for me. One to step on, when exiting the shower, and one to wrap my shrinking frame in.

I linger in the shower longer then I should. Other patients are waiting to use this stall. Most rather use the large shower, but it's too big and open for the likes of me. Or they like the bathtub room. I'm not allowed in there... The staff have the stupid idea, that I'll try to drown myself. I wouldn't do that, not here... So I opt for the small shower room. Just big enough for the standing shower, a plastic chair to hold your clothes, and a trash can, for the shampoo, conditioner, and soap, after each shower. This hospital smells... different. I'll never forget the smell. I still haven't.

The hallway will be cold, even when I've completely dressed. You can never be fully warm, without shoes. It's the middle of Aug. shouldn't it be warm? Going into the hallway means no more privacy. There will probably be 5 or so people pacing up and down it. Even the old man, being pushed in his wheel chair.. up and down, back and forth, by polite nurses, who try in vain to have conversations with him. All he will do is drool, and yell horrible, dirty things, to her, and to the world in general. Or scream for his wife. We never found out if his wife was alive or dead... But he wanted to see her really bad. Leaving this stall means 3 juice boxes, another container of yogurt, and more snacks, waiting for me in the fridge. Neatly labeled with "Jack H." which tells all the other patients to back off. They are trying to fatten me up.

When you arnt allowed to shave, you can never feel like you're getting clean, no matter how hard you scrub. Or how many long showers you take, in between meals and group therapy meetings. You long for the first shower you get, once freed from these walls. But know that when you get into that shower, you'll regret leaving the hospital so fast. Every time... It never changes.

I'm shaking, the hot water seems to run forever. So many people, showering so many times, and yet the water is still filling the room with steam. But your bones never seem to warm up, you shiver through the entire shower, knowing soon that the water will have to be turned off... And the cold will come and envelope your body... A blanket of frost that curls up around you, keeping you company. I stand letting the hot water rush over me, wishing I could stay here forever.

A door slams, I hear wheels rolling down the hall. Lunch trays... Voices get loud, heavy footsteps move down toward the day room. I hear the normal "Where's Jack? She has to eat her lunch." call. I sigh, and push the knob that turns off the shower. Take a few deep breaths, before opening my eyes.

And I'm back in my shower, here at home, in Pleasanton. Water is off, I'm shaking as the cool air moves all around me. It's time to dry off and get dressed. I'm in this world now.

~~~Written by me almost 5 years ago. Right after that last Aug. of hospitals. After 3 years in a row, it seemed like a pattern my body would always go into. Now, 5 years later, with no pills, no shrinks, and many less episodes, I wish I could say that I don't care about these days in Aug. But it's like this internal clock that's always waiting for Aug. to come around.. Where it's harder and harder to control. It's gotten easier. You learn after so many years how to deal. But there are still the things around you that you cannot control as much as you try. I got through most of the days this year fine! I did wake up on day one and couldn't focus my eyes, felt that stirring inside me the heat. It was like an old memory that's just balancing on the tip of your brain.. and you can't tell if it's good or bad but you sorta want to just remember it to know. So much has happened by the end of these days this year, and by the old standards, I should of reacted much worse. But after 5 years strong, I'm happy to have made it.

Here's to 6 years!

It's my own personal support team. For better or for worse...

Source a doodle I did years ago.

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Source trailer for Being John Malcovich. I love that movie, and it's on my Need To Own list... Ever since seeing it as a teen, I've been obsessed with how *I* believe the movie deals with Dissociative Identity Disorder, with out ever saying it does.

I could write/talk for hours about this topic, and probably just confuse people... but it's so about D.I.D. The scenes were you are looking through John's eyes, but can see the blackness around the eye openings.. haha I didn't realize that not everyone sees the world like that.

There probably will be plenty of posts about these types of topics, as I get closer and closer to my 5 year anniversary in Aug. Sure each year off meds is better and better, though harder, but in a good way. I'm constantly learning what I need to to live, and it's a fantastic journey. But for some reason 5 seems like a solid number. 5 years after 3 years of out of control. 8 years ago I was someone I hardly can recognize now.. But thats always an issue.

I'm rambling. Meh. I just wanna watch BJM again. :)

What My Insides Look Like...

Source Man I am terrified of clowns, but I love the look of this... It's creepy.




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The United States of Tara. My new favorite Show.

Holy Crap, have you seen this show yet? Have you heard of it? Well why not?!? Haha. Okay seriously, if you give any new show a chance, I suggest you do so with this one. The United States of Tara, staring Toni Collette. You know her, the mom from Six Sense, she was also in one of my favorite movies Velvet Goldmine. She is amazing. This show really shows her range and as this show is about something very close to me, D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

Tara is a house wife, with a loving husband, a rebellious teenage daughter (only 15, but good god), a sweet but misunderstood son, and a crappy job. As every single one of you know, life is effing hard sometime. How does Tara deal? Well, she dissociates, her alters being Alice, a perfect model wife, who wants respect and to be in charge of everything, Buck, a biker dude, who smokes and gets into fights, but would do anything for those he cares about, and T, a 15 year old trying to live in a 30 somethings body... She smokes pot, shops a lot, and dresses like a slut.

Every single alter she plays is their own person, and she does this amazingly well. When you see the stress building up in her, and she dissociates, those of us that know what that's like, or have seen it happen to someone, could stand up and scream "YES! That's how I feel!" It's beautiful.

The show is getting some negative slack too. People don't think a show about D.I.D. could be interesting (how could it not!?) or that as it's got a comedy streak in it, that it's downplaying D.I.D. which happens after childhood abuse. (sexual, physical, mental, emotional) I do not find any of their points really valid after watching the shows first two episodes. I think the family dynamic of living with a mom that is not always 'mom', is terrific. Not everyone with D.I.D. is on medication, and not everyone believes in integration, hell I don't. Yes it can be funny, but life in general is funny at times, even with a disorder.

It's really worth checking out. It gets my heart racing, my mind spinning, and I want to share it with everyone. I hope it keeps going for a while, because I am hooked.

It's on Showtime, and they allow you to watch episodes there (at least the first one). Here is the IMDB page for it.