The safest place, is inside

ticking, like a time bomb in my chest, or head..

"The only reason I remembered this play was because it ... had a mad person in it, and everything I had ever read about mad people stuck in my mind, while everything else flew out. " ---Sylvia Plath The Bell Jar



I've been listening to The Bell Jar audio book, again.. and been thinking a lot about my own... self. hah

- When you come to terms with your own madness, it starts to seem like the world is crazy, not you.

- I can't hear/read about people getting Electroshock Therapy with out getting that hard lump feeling in my throat. I see the faces, the empty eyes that will fill with tears days later when talking about it.

- Some of the most truthful, brilliant things I've ever been told or helped come up with, came from people society deemed "unstable" or "crazy".

- I'm glad my first play back after years of non acting, was School of Jesus Fish. And that I could throw ideas on the table, cuz I know what really happens. That play is beauty.

- I've watched Independence Day over 100 times. Not by choice, and all within a two week time span. I used to be able to recite the lines along with it.

- Haha, I can't during one of the School of Jesus Fish talk backs I told the story about the alien guy I met. I left out seeing alien penis, but it still makes me giggle.

- There is nothing, nothing, like seeing the world for the first time and accepting that it's always been there, you just didn't get it. I still have a hard time with space/distances. I see the sky and things in the distance, and have to really force myself to understand that the sky is around us, and that the distance, is outward and not just a backdrop. But nothing will ever be like the first time I saw the world again.

- Even though I'm about to be 26 in 13 days, and have nothing to show for it outwardly.. no degree, an office job that pays by the hour, and have to move back in with my family... I don't think I could/would take back my years of crazy. I think I have a better idea of what humans are, how the brain works, and have a beauty shinning out from my insides that only falling off the edge, and slowly crawling back up, can get you.

- Sorry for all the heart to blog moments here and lately. I've totally just realized I'm 26 and don't have to hide myself any longer. Hell I'm proud. :)

You know what.. fuck you...

I'm not good with anger, never have been. I always had the feeling that I wasn't allowed to be angry, and it's stuck with me over the years. And after everything, and 5 years of doing well I still don't know how to take it. I'm not really an angry person, when on some accounts it's justified for me to be mad.

Usually I just bottle it up. But it erupts on the inside, and causes more bad than good in the long run. But I'm learning to let it out, a little at a time. To people I trust. Right now this situation as came to a point, where I either bottle it up, or respond with everything brewing inside me for the last... oh my whole life.

I may be the Queen of passive aggressiveness.. But never to the point of actually hurting someones feelings like this. It's not in my nature. And I could of sent that message to you every day for every year I was alive. :/

It's my own personal support team. For better or for worse...

Source a doodle I did years ago.

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Source trailer for Being John Malcovich. I love that movie, and it's on my Need To Own list... Ever since seeing it as a teen, I've been obsessed with how *I* believe the movie deals with Dissociative Identity Disorder, with out ever saying it does.

I could write/talk for hours about this topic, and probably just confuse people... but it's so about D.I.D. The scenes were you are looking through John's eyes, but can see the blackness around the eye openings.. haha I didn't realize that not everyone sees the world like that.

There probably will be plenty of posts about these types of topics, as I get closer and closer to my 5 year anniversary in Aug. Sure each year off meds is better and better, though harder, but in a good way. I'm constantly learning what I need to to live, and it's a fantastic journey. But for some reason 5 seems like a solid number. 5 years after 3 years of out of control. 8 years ago I was someone I hardly can recognize now.. But thats always an issue.

I'm rambling. Meh. I just wanna watch BJM again. :)

Summer Goal

Happy Summer!

Last summer I bought a new journal to sketch in and as always, i loose inspiration and get sucked into just writing in it... which in turn, makes it too personal... especially since I wrote entry after entry about my last break up and how much that tore me up... and the resulting great friendship that came out of it...

SO, I'm looking for a smaller notebook to carry with me (and a pencil, eraser and pen) everywhere I go this summer. My phone takes great pictures... and as I'm a visual person, I can take pictures with it of things, to put into the sketchbook. I love my old journals that were image entries of my life... and how I was feeling/what I was doing... So I'm going to start again. Probably will still write in the old one... but this is my first summer after so many life changes... Single, living in Sac, mentally doing well for a while. (This will be my 5th year off meds, and I firmly believe my 5th year free of my Aug breakdown. I want to capture the world in illustrations. The world I see.

then hopefully i can scan and post some of the entries here..

in other news, it's fraking cold in my office and my head is all foggy.. meh!

Rant

Okay so I will admit, I thought Tila Tequilla was hot when I first saw everyone on Facethejury.com faking as her... and yes, I have a few of her "songs" on my ipod, cuz they are ridic and funny, and yes I watched her stupid MTV shows (reality tv when bored... don't judge) But I never claimed to be a fan.. or to really enjoy her... I felt bad for her on her show, just cause it all seemed so fake, she seemed fake, and i just wanted to shake her and say "be yourself, you can find someone to love you for you! stop this act and cover your nips!"

Of course since then she's become a crazy person on the Internet and tweeting all sorts of junk and just a HOT MESS... she's pulled some crazy shit and usually i just say "meh" and move on.. but her latest shenanigan really gets my goat.. and i'm pretty freaking upset with her utter lack of common sense..

She has been claiming lately to have a "2nd personality" named Jane.. and that Jane is trying to kill her.. that she fell asleep and woke up with cuts all over her body, and blood everywhere... she then TWEETS about it and posts pictures and videos.. never once calling the cops. She gets upset when her fans question her, and even more upset when some of them actually called the cops to go to her house.. where they found no cuts on her, and what looks like fake blood. They left her with a warning, and she goes right back to Tweeting about the whole situation.

okay.. whoah whoah whoah.. this isn't just crazy antics anymore.. this is her actually offending me. and I believe she will be/should be 51/50'd as soon as possible..

If she's faking... and doing all of this for attention, well that's 1 really rude and sorta sad.. But there is still something going on in her head that thinks that pulling a stunt like this... is OKAY to do for attention.. when it's not. at all. ever.

if she is actually dealing with mental stuff, and has an alter, especially one who is dangerous to her.. well then... YOU NEED HELP. Hell it could really be true that she does. But even if i try to believe her, then she obviously knows that something is wrong, and needs to get help asap. for her own safety and others. And I'm pretty sure miss TV reality star will be able to get into a good 51/50 hospital and not some of the places I've seen.

I am having the feelings I did for Britney Spears when she had her break down and shaved her head... I wanted to write her to say "Hey, it's okay.. I know it's hard, but everyone breaks down, emotionally... mentally... some more extreme then others.. and it will be okay, you just have to keep going.. one day at a time...." But with this Tila stuff.. it's so hard to know if she's just faking the whole thing, and if she is... i feel she still needs to get help for being able to think that it's a normal thing to fake something like that..

this is a stupid pointless rant.. but to me.. it hits very close to home.

Cuz if you read it, it's true... right?

I obsess over books, stories... the idea of something solid... What does that even mean.. Solid. I'm on this never ending journey to find something solid, in a world full of liquid moments, and electrical shocks. Sudoku.. that's a solid. Judge all you want, but I pour myself into those silly number puzzles, cuz it's real. There is a certain way it must be finished, and nothing else will get you across the goal line. So I find a book that will suck me in... Where I can just zone out this world and enter another. Probably the best thing I know how to do. All of me. Ha. Me.

I love the way words look.. (sound is another story) I have The First Five by Henry Rollins with SO many page marks, of passages and lines, and quotes that I just NEED to make some art to. If not having the words on the painting.. but just being inspired by them...

The above pictures are collected from all over, fuck sources right now. I don't care.. but each has a different font, emotion, story to it... There is a connection to each one from all of me.

It's been about a month since the last time I really painted anything... and there is that feeling that I'm used to, from inside out. It's crawling up and out and I really need to get to work on something. I would really go back to being crazy with out art. heh. Best medication on the planet for someone like me. Or just me. Ha. Me.

like when a hurricane and a tornado collide...

Source

Source seems to be a movie called Dreamers.. that I MUST see now.

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Dare I say it?!?

So yes, tumblr has it's perks.. I can post things super quickly.. but it's overwhelming at the same time.. so much to look at.. So I'm back here.. But with a few changes.

I'll still post art. I haven't even updated my tumblr in forever... (the overwhelmingness of it, and my life got to me) So this wont be all art.. Maybe some posts about my life too.. I posted some amazing art and inspirations on here, that I don't want to just fall out of it.

Plus this site is just so much prettier.. and i already have the page looking how i want...

Meh.

What's new you may ask?

-Employment! Working for an amazing visceral manipulation physical therapy office. Seriously my boss/coworkers are amazing. Just the three of us, and it's the best work dynamic ever. Office managing never seemed so good. I enjoy the data entry and billing insurance companies, getting to know the patients and the all around vibe here..

-I did some more shows.. Most recent Julius Caesar (Hail me!) Never before since coming back to theatre have i felt so at peace with a show, and my part. From beginning to end I knew what i wanted to do, how to do it, and the awkwardness just melted away. Except the hands thing. I'm still never sure what normal people do with their hands.

-I'm moving. To Sacramento, into an amazing place with a friend from my one and only year of ATP, and her friend for years. It's a great place, wonderful people, and the energy works.. me living with girls? Yeah I know.. usually I only can live with boys, but this is something special. I'll commute to work, which totally sucks, but i'm willing to do so for this set up.

-Single, mingling, enjoying it. I never spend much time single... so this is new. Shit I'm coming up on 5 months single and it's okay. I don't want to rush into anything and enjoy hanging out with people and finding out more about myself along the way..

-Mentally fabulous. It's a constant battle to keep pushing forward and not get sucked back into the black hole. But another year has gone by with little to no episodes. Learning how to recognize the things that make me panic or start to shift, and how to breathe through them. I took the people who cause damage out of my life, and focus on the good people. You can never say you are fully "healed" from something... as it's always going to be a part of you, even if not an active part.

Welcome, Welcome... Come On Inside...

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I Wish That Somebody Would Unplug Me For A While..

Source Oddly enough.. I know this feeling... Source has some NSFW but amazing other images.




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Source Also NSFW really.. but fabulous stuff!

School of Jesus Fish (Rivived)

“School of Jesus Fish” will play on June 12th, 13th and 19th, 20th, and 21st. Tickets are $12 for students and seniors, $15 for general public. Ticket information will be available at the “City Hall at the Mall” in Fairfield and at www.darkroomproductions.org.

Fairfield, CA (May 31, 2009) — Darkroom Productions’ original staging of “School of Jesus Fish” was presented last fall at Vallejo’s Fetterly Playhouse for the Arts and was considered a huge artistic success. After receiving a grant from the City of Fairfield’s Cultural Arts Awards Committee, Darkroom Productions is elated to bring this production to the Fairfield community.



“School of Jesus Fish,” by Rick Robinson, is a play in two acts that takes place at St. Lucy’s, a psychiatric ward for the mentally disturbed. Robinson delves deep into the lives of the hospitals patients with intense realism, and questions faith-based healing methods versus modern medicine. Anne Fencik, played by Jacqueline Haines, is admitted to St. Lucy’s as she adamantly believes herself to be a messenger of God. Schizophrenia is the immediate diagnosis, but is it true? When she is confronted by patients dealing with issues such as manic-depression and post traumatic stress disorder, she “heals” them. Patients soon agree that she is truly a prophet of god, but the clinicians deny it and stand by their prescriptions. In this face off between faith and pharmaceuticals, we explore the deepest darkest secrets of the tormented people in the mental health systems, who win over our hearts with their honesty and sincerity. Other actors include Matt Larson (Ben), James Olea (Dr. Simon), Angelique Wilkie (Fish), and Stephanie Rivas (Franny).

Note: Parental discretion is advised due to coarse language and adult themes.

***Sorry for the lack of real posts, I was swamped today at work, and am now getting some more time.. But yay for my play reopening!***

Discovering What's Next...

Source Don't test me.




Source It's obvious that I'd love this, it may not me art art, or whatever. But it really feels like one of those days.




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Ya Just Gotta Numb That Feeling...

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Fears, it's the little things...

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Rain Rain Go Away!!!

Source This one feels like my insides...




Source Too Cute! I SO want this!





Source ZELDA!

What My Insides Look Like...

Source Man I am terrified of clowns, but I love the look of this... It's creepy.




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PostSecret...

I've been reading PostSecret.com for years now... Every Sunday Frank updates the website with new secrets.... Some are happy, some are sad.. some are just.... random.... But I am there, every week looking at other people's secrets... and finding my own in those post cards... These have been some of my favorites for a while. I want to buy the books, but I just get so damn emotional over these things... Sigh... love ya guys...