Oh, hello there..

Made me giggle.

That girl, she holds her head up so high...

Bikini Kill - Rebel Girl

random video I found on YouTube after I wrote the title to this post and got the song stuck in my head. I enjoyed it. So you enjoy

Girl Moment

I've been single for 8 and a half months now. Fuck. Wow. That's the longest since I've started seriously dating people. What can I say, I'm a serial monogamous, a relationship hopper. It's a good thing I've been single. I've learned a lot about myself, grew more, had a good time. But there is still this part of me that feels empty with out having someone to love. I have so much love to give. This is all rather silly, but I'm addicted to kisses. Sure I love cuddling, and everything else, but kisses are my thing.

Of course I've been re watching the first two seasons of Gossip Girl, and the whole Blair/Chuck story line is my relationship with someone. As much as we care about each other and could work, it just wouldn't, and doesn't. These past months I've been learning that more and more so it's nice to just have the friendship we have, and see how it works out on a tv show.

Meh. This is my "I'm a girl, and I miss having someone pay attention to me" post. Sure people pay attention but it's not the same as what I am craving. Casually seeing someone is nice, I had never done that before. But knowing that someone likes you, but not to the point of wanting to be just with you, sorta weirds me out at times. Granted, sometimes you date people that still see other people while seeing you. arg. Anywho lame girl post end.

Been Sick... Story of my life..

Arg I hate being sick. More then anything. And as messed up as it may sound, I can make myself feel better quite easily, but that's going against so much that I stand for now. (crazy talk. Hey it's my blog, and you'd eventually learn/hear rumors sometime) So I just fight it off.

I still need to figure out my soon to be living situation. My back up plan might become my actual plan. But living in Vacaville could be awesome... I can save some money, less of a commute, cheaper rent, OOOOh I could act! and have more time to paint. Maybe find someone to have creative time with, see my friends more. Be closer to my Pleasanton and Oakland friends. Okay.. This will be okay.

I had so much work to catch up on this morning, since I missed the last two days of work.. But, it's almost done now, after an hour and a half of being here. So back to my normal routine of reading blogs, answering phones, sending faxes, wikipedia-ing and googling anything interesting... BTW girl moment blog coming next. hah.

You know what.. fuck you...

I'm not good with anger, never have been. I always had the feeling that I wasn't allowed to be angry, and it's stuck with me over the years. And after everything, and 5 years of doing well I still don't know how to take it. I'm not really an angry person, when on some accounts it's justified for me to be mad.

Usually I just bottle it up. But it erupts on the inside, and causes more bad than good in the long run. But I'm learning to let it out, a little at a time. To people I trust. Right now this situation as came to a point, where I either bottle it up, or respond with everything brewing inside me for the last... oh my whole life.

I may be the Queen of passive aggressiveness.. But never to the point of actually hurting someones feelings like this. It's not in my nature. And I could of sent that message to you every day for every year I was alive. :/

Cuz it's Aug.

“If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad.” — Sylvia Plath

Listening to The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath audiobook, again. It's just that time of the year. God its amazing.

Happy 5 years to me and the world..

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i still hear their voices

It was almost 4:30, I needed to shower and get out of my pj's. I turn the water on full blast, a little too warm for most people, and jump in. Having a stand-up shower can be sort of a bad thing in times like these...

Shampoo in the eyes, always, without fail, I don't know how I do it. I shut them and continue to wash, going through the motion as one normally would do. After about 3 min. I open them to find the light flooding my still stinging eyes. Instantly I clamp them shut, trying in vain to stop the pain from getting worse. This time, while my eyes are closed, the images come back.

The flashback filled the room around me, though I couldn't see it with my eyes closed. I really believed I was living in a moment already past. The cold tile floor, that never seems to be clean enough to want to stand on it. The shower not pumping water hard enough, to make you feel like it's really cleaning you. I can hear voices outside the thick door, I smell the mass produced soap, the kind that everyone has to use here. A new bar every shower, so much waste in here. I know the too small, not soft enough towels are waiting for me. One to step on, when exiting the shower, and one to wrap my shrinking frame in.

I linger in the shower longer then I should. Other patients are waiting to use this stall. Most rather use the large shower, but it's too big and open for the likes of me. Or they like the bathtub room. I'm not allowed in there... The staff have the stupid idea, that I'll try to drown myself. I wouldn't do that, not here... So I opt for the small shower room. Just big enough for the standing shower, a plastic chair to hold your clothes, and a trash can, for the shampoo, conditioner, and soap, after each shower. This hospital smells... different. I'll never forget the smell. I still haven't.

The hallway will be cold, even when I've completely dressed. You can never be fully warm, without shoes. It's the middle of Aug. shouldn't it be warm? Going into the hallway means no more privacy. There will probably be 5 or so people pacing up and down it. Even the old man, being pushed in his wheel chair.. up and down, back and forth, by polite nurses, who try in vain to have conversations with him. All he will do is drool, and yell horrible, dirty things, to her, and to the world in general. Or scream for his wife. We never found out if his wife was alive or dead... But he wanted to see her really bad. Leaving this stall means 3 juice boxes, another container of yogurt, and more snacks, waiting for me in the fridge. Neatly labeled with "Jack H." which tells all the other patients to back off. They are trying to fatten me up.

When you arnt allowed to shave, you can never feel like you're getting clean, no matter how hard you scrub. Or how many long showers you take, in between meals and group therapy meetings. You long for the first shower you get, once freed from these walls. But know that when you get into that shower, you'll regret leaving the hospital so fast. Every time... It never changes.

I'm shaking, the hot water seems to run forever. So many people, showering so many times, and yet the water is still filling the room with steam. But your bones never seem to warm up, you shiver through the entire shower, knowing soon that the water will have to be turned off... And the cold will come and envelope your body... A blanket of frost that curls up around you, keeping you company. I stand letting the hot water rush over me, wishing I could stay here forever.

A door slams, I hear wheels rolling down the hall. Lunch trays... Voices get loud, heavy footsteps move down toward the day room. I hear the normal "Where's Jack? She has to eat her lunch." call. I sigh, and push the knob that turns off the shower. Take a few deep breaths, before opening my eyes.

And I'm back in my shower, here at home, in Pleasanton. Water is off, I'm shaking as the cool air moves all around me. It's time to dry off and get dressed. I'm in this world now.

~~~Written by me almost 5 years ago. Right after that last Aug. of hospitals. After 3 years in a row, it seemed like a pattern my body would always go into. Now, 5 years later, with no pills, no shrinks, and many less episodes, I wish I could say that I don't care about these days in Aug. But it's like this internal clock that's always waiting for Aug. to come around.. Where it's harder and harder to control. It's gotten easier. You learn after so many years how to deal. But there are still the things around you that you cannot control as much as you try. I got through most of the days this year fine! I did wake up on day one and couldn't focus my eyes, felt that stirring inside me the heat. It was like an old memory that's just balancing on the tip of your brain.. and you can't tell if it's good or bad but you sorta want to just remember it to know. So much has happened by the end of these days this year, and by the old standards, I should of reacted much worse. But after 5 years strong, I'm happy to have made it.

Here's to 6 years!

All I want is to listen to music and wear lots of rings...

Epic...

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Smash Bros meet Fight Club. Saw this on geekologie and it's fantastic! I hope he really does make it a series of pieces!

Always moving...

Okay! I knew that I needed to find a place to live by Jan as our home is breaking up.. but now we may need someone to move in with us for the last 3 months of the year, as our other roommate MAY have found her dream home. So proud of her, but us other two need someone to move into that room.

So today I'm trying to figure out a solution for our Sac home, if she ends up getting the place.. AND what I'm going to do in Jan. Anyone know of any good cheap places that don't need a credit card to rent? I've never been on a lease before ever. Or if anyone knows someone who wants a roommate starting Jan ish? Good thing I have plenty of caffeine to get me through this morning!

I need a nap...

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Source unknown.

Nicki Minaj is a badass

Bottoms Up By Trey Songz ft The Queen that is Nicki Minaj

The song is pretty boring, until 2:25 when Nicki comes in and kills it. Seriously I can't get enough of her right now, and am dying for her album to drop on November.

I tried to find the quote from The Virgin Suicides (book) that talks about Lux scanning the radio for her favorite song. And she says something along the lings of "You know they are playing it somewhere, it kills me" or something. That's how I am. I heard this song last weekend, and all i want is to hear it again. Cuz I think Nicki Minaj is just such a bad ass chick rapper, and she's always so fucking good.

Holy Hell, mixing my love of R2D2 and my smart phone!

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I'd punch a baby seal in the baby maker just to have this...

Write it out.

Random Tumblr finds. Sources unknown.

Things I love: Video Games, Women, and Funny Tramp Stamps

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This is fraking hot. :) I love the tramp stamp, but still think the idea for what I want is better hah. I promise more regular posts here too!

LoLs.

I used to post things that made me LoL on my Plurk all the time, and think I'll start doing it here (xposting to lj cuz it amuses me) Sooo enjoy.

If I was to spawn.. these would be my kids..

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And of course I still think they'd be named Frida Rose (insert last name) and Sid Vicious (insert last name)

Love is Love

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The pictures on this site got me super teary eyed... Love is Love.

Day Zero Project Post: Part 1 of the 5000 Question Survey

Can be found here posted to my Livejournal, behind a cut cuz part one is only 49 questions and that's too much to put on here.

EDIT part two

Inspiration makes my heart all fluttery!

Yesterday my sister wife Gillian mentioned a project she's a part of, about having 101 goals to do in 1001 days. So today I googled it and found the website and am amazed I hadn't heard of this before!

I just created an account... and think anyone reading this should go check it out too! I'm still creating my list of goals.. some I knew in the back of my mind already. 1001 days is a while for someone like me, and enough time to accomplish my goal of painting a new self portrait, get another tattoo, finish a coloring book. Some goals are a little harder, and I was hesitant to put "fall in love" on there, but shit. It's me. I always want to fall in love.

They have so many ideas for goals that it's rather fun to read what other people are doing, and to stop and think "I WANNA DO THAT TOO!"

DayZeroProject

I effin loved that game!

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Find your place...

San Gennaro Source

Marie Source